can you read it!!??
maan!
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one