[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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Pee pressure > peer pressure
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?