why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Alexa: *deep breath*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless