Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart