Who did this…? 💫⚡️
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Choose your fighter
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch