Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
oh u like geography? name every lake
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”