Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Mornin
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.