Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?