How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My Sentiments Exactly
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™