Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
i meant to share this earlier
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.