9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
You Might Also Like
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again