If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*