Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.