[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
🙂🙃🥹
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination