“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
(by @ZachWeiner )
do u think theres a butter planet?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,