Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
This guy’s not having it 😆
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work