My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA