wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
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Genius idea!!
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first