casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
BaD BoY!!
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.