4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back