Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?