“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
no
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s