I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.