[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
peeping toms
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
thanks auntie mary
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.