I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
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Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Me too door. Me too.