Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
You Might Also Like
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
happy friday
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Stop it! 😂
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.