My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means