In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.