Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers