You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro