If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
You Might Also Like
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.