[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.