Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I drew y’all a little something.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels