ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I love twitter
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.