JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Morningbreath
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Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them