[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
You Might Also Like
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I hope it’s French Onion!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Yup
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking