Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I have no passwords left in me
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I need to get some bricks…
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.