what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
You Might Also Like
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.