Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
You Might Also Like
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
my fav colour is also hitler
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
the red hot silly peppers
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote