If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Wait a minute…
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.