I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Aaaa…CHOO!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.