Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable