If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult