Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
sigh
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.