Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
shampoo implies shampee
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”