My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?