All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.