I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking