An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The best plant holders?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down