[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.